{rheality.check}

Ok so, I don’t know about anyone else but I feel like I am continually struggling to be able to manage my own budget. Maybe it’s because I kindof suck at budgeting, by which I mean I can stick to a budget for maybe a month (if I’m lucky) and then it’s blown out of the water. However, I am unbelievably proud of myself because I thought I had really completely blown my budget this month and would have to reach back into my savings to dig myself out of this little hole I’d gotten myself into. See, recently, I’ve been giving a lot of money to charity and eating out quite a bit. The giving to charity bit, I’m actually pleased with myself about. The eating out and just spending money I shouldn’t, I’m a bit annoyed with my lack of discipline.

At any rate, I was just trying to balance my checkbook since I have been having the most miserable day at work ever. Yes, it is definitely one of those “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days”. But then I was doing my budgeting because I figured if it was going to be a bad day, I might as well get all my bad news out of the way, right? Right. And then I looked and I saw that the only thing that’s even slightly off this month is that I had wanted to be able to put an extra $10 towards my student loans. But seriously, if I’m only off by $10 and that is part of the extra I typically put towards my loans (because I’m trying to aggressively pay off my loans so I send more than the monthly minimum). That’s really not so bad!! In fact, I’m ridiculously proud of myself. Granted, I would be more proud of myself if I could, you know, budget and consistently put money aside into savings. But hey, breaking even when I thought I had completely blown my budget ain’t bad. In fact, I’d say it’s a step in the right direction. (Now if only the rest of my life could fall in line with that).

Ok so this will sound silly. At least, I get laughed at a lot by my white friends because of it. But I just recently discovered sunburns. It’s probably my least favourite discovery of *all* time. I mean let’s be honest, how many brown people do you know that burn? I don’t really know any. Well until now and that would be myself.

About 2 weeks ago I was lying out on the beach for a couple of hours when I got my first burn. It was just my nose and cheeks but it was definitely enough to be disconcerting for yours truly over here. Quite frankly, I wasn’t exactly sure what happened except my face was pink and it stung like mad. I mean what is that about? And then this weekend I was in a parade and my shoulders, oh my god, my shoulders. I had no idea that it was this bad. Or that this was even possible. I mean sure I’ve seen people get sunburns. And I had imagined that they don’t look like fun. But the intellectual understanding versus actually getting a burn is a far far far cry. Maybe I’m just a wimp but seriously. Sunburns, not cool. I clearly need to invest in sunblock. Well not only invest but actually remember to put it on. For now I’m off in search of some aloe. and maybe some ice.

with body-image. I’m pretty sure I’m not all that unique in this struggle actually. In fact, I’ve found that most of my female friends have many of the same issues I do. I mean we all complain about different things and have unrealistic expectations of what we should look like. And each of us carries this burden in different ways. The most fascinating part about it is also that most of us have a view of ourselves that are skewed in remarkable ways. For example one of my friends recently got married and apparently put on a few pounds after her wedding. Now she’s my old college roomie, I’ve known her for over 9 years now (wow we’re getting old) and the weight she’s gained is barely noticeable. Seriously, the only reason I noticed is because she said something and then specifically pointed out all her problem areas. I mean yes, we’re not 18 anymore. None of us look the same. That’s totally unrealistic to expect that we will ever look the way we did when we were in our teens again.

I was recently thinking about this because my mom came to visit. And as usual she had a comment about what I looked like. Now last year I went through some major ups and downs which caused me to lose a drastic amount of weight. This is me in January:

This is me on Memorial Day:

So perhaps I have gained a little weight. And yeah the two photos are two totally different contexts so they look drastically different. But the main idea is that in all honesty, I haven’t gained *that* much noticeable weight. Even without the added input from my mom, I have noticed a certain unhappiness in myself with my weight and the way I look. To counter this I’ve used a few methods from my best fried, Ev, where I was taking status photos every week (now every month) to see where my body is at and give myself a more realistic view of what I actually look like. The problem is that I know I don’t necessarily see the right me even in photos. A lot of it is dependent on my mental state and how I think I should look. It’s amazing how frequently it interferes with my own well being. I know that I may be a little extreme but I don’t think I’m the only woman that beats up on herself over a pound here and there. The thing is I used to do this when I was 107lbs. I was teeny tiny and I thought I was horrifyingly overweight. I think it’s something that you have to really take with a grain of salt and start to appreciate your body for what it is and not for the super stick thin images that we’re presented with in magazines and on TV. I have a friend who has started to do that and I’m not sure how she does it yet but boy do I hope to get there some day.