Post-Surgery Breast Reduction: Day 56

As promised these new pictures are from today. Sadly they are slightly blurry but it can be kinda awkward to try and take these photos by oneself. However, what you can really see is how quickly they are healing now that the infection is gone. It’s a completely different track. As I mentioned before the nerves that are returning are also good and seem to have calmed down slightly today.


In order to give myself a little more room and actually have the NSFW bit be useful I’m going to chat a little about my life experience going through this. In theory if all goes well in a breast reduction you should be able to return to work after 1 week if you have a desk job (which I did). And then from there it should in theory get better each week. For me what happened was that I contracted an infection somewhere around week 3-4 and I don’t think it got caught until week 5 because the way the follow ups go is that you go weekly for the first 3 weeks and then if things look like they are going well the doctor will give you a week off before your next follow up. So for me in that interim week I ended up getting an infection which blew the healing process out of whack. And because it was a gap week the doctor didn’t catch it until it was actually a pretty full fledged infection where he needed to remove a layer of skin and put in stitches and put me on antibiotics. If I were to do this over again, I think I would’ve been more active about letting the doctor and nurse know about my pain levels even if I thought I was being excessively needy. Because it’s a lot easier to deal with something when you catch it early rather than if you let it fester. If you look at the pictures now this is where I wanted to be like 2 weeks ago and I think that should have been possible if not for the infection. And perhaps had I spoken up about how my pain really wasn’t decreasing and I had these little microtear feelings then maybe that would’ve tipped them off. That’s just a theory, who really knows? It could have turned out the same way but we’ll never really know that. This is just how I feel the process has gone for me. And I think it would have been nice if I had had a resource that actually tells you what the experience feels like. Everyone is going to be slightly different because everyone’s body is different but at least with some knowledge there is at least a baseline.

right almost totally healed


As you can see the right is nearly totally healed, it’s kindof amazing what a week can do for a giant open wound. Especially given how large the right one was initially.

left healing up

The left is healing up  but the bottom part is taking a little longer than I’d like. However the nice part about this one is that the infection has clearly completely cleared up and is now gone and that part is closing up pretty nicely. I’ll be really excited when all of it is done.


Post-Surgery Breast Reduction: Day 55

This recovery is really just kindof a bitch. So the newest thing that’s happening is that my nerves are returning so my breasts are itchy and burning mostly near the areola but basically everywhere. It’s even worse because pain killers and creams don’t work because it’s the nerves rebuilding themselves, except I swear this is happening at the slowest speed known to mankind. It’s ridiculous. However in good news the GIANT holes I had before area disappearing really quickly and I can see fresh new pink skin starting to build up. So that’s fantastic to see. I’ll make sure to take and post pics before I put my bandages on next for those of you who might be interested in getting a breast reduction and want to see what healing looks like. Since I mean I’ve already posted photos of every other step. Might as well do this too.

This is just the frustrating part of recovery where you feel good enough to start doing things and then you do things like go to the grocery store (which is down the street like 10min walk each way) and make homemade yogurt and are like, ok there go all my plans for the rest of the day. I need a nap. Which normally making yogurt is like not even taxing. It’s the easiest thing to do. And walking 10mins each way to the grocery store. Also shouldn’t be that taxing. But le sigh. Just little things are hard. Or you know I went and got more CO2 for our home made carbonator (which I am still more than a little proud of). But the damn tank weighs 33.2lbs… Apparently 6 weeks out of surgery one should *probably* not be lifting 33.2lbs. Ooops.

I also forgot to post about how I needed a colonoscopy last Thursday because the narcotics I’ve been taking have screwed up my digestive system so badly that my GI doctor who is generally pretty chill and is like “you just have constipation problems which can lead to many other things, you’ll be fine and need to be better about taking your Miralax or prunes just pick one and be consistent” (obvs my edited version of what he says in a much politer way). He was actually concerned even though I had bright red blood, it was enough to fill an entire sheet of paper so more than a teaspoon (which to me is slightly concerning) and had been going on for over 2 weeks, which was really kinda terrifying.

So my feelings on the colonoscopy: It’s kinda uncomfortable but that is partially because my colon is special and I have a really sharp angle which makes it difficult for them to get around but not impossible. Very easy solution, just give me more sedatives and I’m fine. Overall really not an uncomfortable or even notable process — it’s a twilight anesthetic instead of general which is interesting (mostly so you can follow their commands like turn over and stuff but I really don’t remember much other than being sleepy), it just takes a lot of time — mostly to prep you and then wait for you to stop sleeping from the sedatives.

However, the prep work for a colonoscopy is like the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. You are on an all clear liquid diet. Like no coke only sprite, no food only broth kinda thing. It’s horrible. And you’re on this diet the entire day before your colonoscopy. To top off the crappy diet you then have to drink this gallon jug of horrifying laxative mix. So if you have a morning colonoscopy they make you drink the entire gallon the night before. If you are an idiot like me and schedule one for the afternoon you have to split it up. So you drink half the night before and half the morning of. But you have to get up early to drink the rest of it the morning of because you aren’t allowed to eat or drink anything for the 4 hours before your procedure. Now comes the fun part. You have taken so much of this crap that there is nothing left in your colon whatsoever which is actually awful and you are starving and uncomfortable. And then when you get there they ask if you are in pain and I’m like, ok well how do you classify pain? Because no, I physically do not feel afflicted but I’m starving and I think I might chew my arm off. And on top of it you made me take so much laxative I feel like I’ve had diarrhea for the last 12 hours, does that count as pain? No. Ok, then I’m not in pain but yes, in case you were wondering I’m horribly uncomfortable.

So enough whiny panda. The prep is really truly awful but on the whole I was really worried especially since my doctor wasn’t able to see any fissures or anything visible when he checked me out, which he normally can and then I’m pretty satisfied that bright red blood with a normal exam means something superficial but if that isn’t the case then it just seems weird. Hence the colonoscopy. The good news is everything turned out great. Apparently people cheat on the prep stuff (which I didn’t know, otherwise fuck that shit I so would’ve eaten something) so he was like you prepared great which made everything much easier for you and for me. So that was good, I was proud of being strong and you know being able to starve myself for 2 days. And on top of it apparently my colon looks awesome, there’s just a sharp angle that most ppl don’t have. But that angle explains a lot of my problems so his conclusion was that the narcotics were affecting me worse than most people and so I just need to find a balance between taking those and the prunes. But if there’s anything wrong it’s on a superficial level which is good and something I should be able to treat with over the counter meds or just simply diet modifications. All in all I feel it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if it makes you wicked uncomfortable.

One question I do have is that one would think after all these years doctors would have come up with way less painful and uncomfortable methods to do all these things. Breast reductions, colonoscopies. There has to be a way to leverage technology to make this pain not be so bad. Also after all of this I have no idea why anyone would ever have plastic surgery, I think you’d have to lose your damn mind to want to have any sort of surgery. Recovery is a bitch. And that’s my last thought on it.

And I can categorically say that love is someone who comes to pick you up and still loves you when you fall asleep talking to her in the car on your way home and she doesn’t hold it against you. Or when you fall asleep talking to her on the couch as you guys are having dinner. Seriously there was a lot of microsleeping going on that day. I was super tired. But she’s a really good sport about the whole thing.

Post-Surgery Breast Reduction: Day 42

So these new pictures are from today. The prior post was showing what it looks like (albeit kinda blurry) when the wound is mildly infected but today I’m going to talk about what happens after that.


You know, if I didn’t know that people had this surgery all the time and that wounds like this do actually heal, I would think my doctor is a complete lunatic. That said, I have implicit faith in my doctor, he’s the best in Chicago for this type of surgery. I know he has a close relationship with the best breast cancer surgeons as well so I’m pretty confident of the care that I’m getting and boy am I thankful I am because this has been an interesting and more difficult road than I saw coming.

Upon reflection that was silly of me because I have a very good friend from college who did not mince words and told me about her experience, yet somehow I thought that in the last 10 years science and technology would have magically made the experience like I don’t know a 10th of what she experienced. Not true. I think the scars and the heal time have reduced but like by a week maybe 2. Not quite what I had expected. Perhaps because I am an optimist and I just assume that everything will always go along the happy path… which is sortof ironic considering nothing in my life has gone that way. I digress. What I was going to say is that when recovery from surgery gets difficult and you are very stressed out I think what really makes the biggest difference is love. I had been on/off considering getting this surgery for the last 10 years, to the point where I was still on the fence about going through with it until a week before. So the only people that knew about the surgery before I had it were: my partner, my mother, my partner’s mother and 2 friends. Typically that’s not what I would do because that is a lot of pressure on not very many people. Particularly because both of those friends not only do not live in the same city as I do but they don’t even live in the same state! Oh and I told my best friend who lives in the Netherlands after I had it done… because I just forgot to call her — time zones make it challenging to coordinate, you know? Yet for some reason I just didn’t consider needing a support group.

Part of me wonders if this is because I have a very independent personality. Ever since I was small I’ve always wanted to do things on my own and to be responsible for myself and to be completely and entirely self-reliant. I don’t think that’s a bad thing but I think it undervalues the importance of love. So recently I posted on facebook to let the rest of my friends and family know what is going on in my life. The outpouring of love that I have received has been a very happy and helpful surprise. My partner, thank whatever you pray to in the universe for her, has been a rock for me to stand on and yell at and generally be quite unpleasant to and still loves me and puts up with me and is kind to me. These are the things that I think people forget to plan on. And it’s so easy to forget that people love you when you have bigger things on your mind, like having silver dollar size open wounds on your body and small infections that have shooting pains that go from inside your breast all the way to your nipple. But what I think you can forget is that even if it’s just a skype date once a week with a different friend, knowing that someone cares and loves you is a powerful healing tool. My partner is amazing and I know she loves me dearly but it’s a lot of pressure to have her be captain step and fetch it and also provider of all the love in the universe. It’s also a little unfair. So I’m thankful for little things. Like my friends that have started to reach out… now that my genius self let them know I underwent this procedure.

On to picture time!

left breast after removal of skin with infection and addition of sutures

If you’ll notice in this picture you’ll see that from the last post the skin was red and somewhat yellow and angry. So what the doctor actually did is literally cut away the infection (which does cause some bleeding). And then after injecting me with some lidocaine he put some sutures in to ensure that the wound will close instead of continuing to spread apart. Part of the issue with the skin spreading apart is that sometimes with women who have particularly dense breast tissue it can make the skin want to spread apart (gravity) instead of close together. I’m hoping these precautions can help. And now that I’m on the antibiotics the pain is far far less severe. There’s definitely a base level of pain that I’ve simply gotten used to by having this procedure done but it no longer *hurts* all day, which I think is great progress.

right breast awesome healing!

Now on the right side you’ll notice that from that huge scary as fuck (pardon my language) hole that was there it’s closing up beautifully. The scars are already starting to fade and everything is going really well. So I did want to make sure to show what it looks like when things go well because this side has really been doing a good job. And I have no pain on this side, I just have to make sure to put the cream on it every day after I shower so that it continues to heal up nicely but overall there are no problems.

Post-Surgery Breast Reduction: Day 36

More backdating to explain what’s going on and some more pictures so you can try to discern for yourself if you are going through something like this if you have reasons to be concerned or not.


So now we are at about week 4-5, I don’t know I’m losing track here because it’s been a while that I’ve been dealing with this. And I’m starting to get concerned. My right breast is healing like a champ — yes I know, ironically the one that I was like WTF you are going to leave a silver dollar size hole in my body and call it good, have you lost your mind people. Yes that one is fine. The one that is not fine is the other side. It feels like it is widening and the top and bottom holes are starting to move together. This is terrifying. Well not only terrifying it is also excruciatingly painful. So the pain had gotten to a steady point where I could manage it previously but then in the last week or so it was starting to increase. And then I started being able to feel my skin actually start to separate from the top down. Granted I started to notice that it was getting bigger on Wednesday and thankfully my partner is very on top of things so she sent an email the very next day to the nurse who is very responsive and actually didn’t get the comparison pictures so I had to send the second picture (she only got the old one from the previous post if you are following this). So I sent her an updated picture and she said yes, she thinks it might be widening but to continue using the cream they had given me to help the healing process and she thinks it still looks ok but is going to run it by the doctor. So at this point it is Friday afternoon and I already have an appointment scheduled for Monday so I don’t think it makes any sense to do anything drastic because I already have an appointment.

left breast widening

As you can see below there was widening and subsequently there were a few things that happened that I think will be more appropriate for the next post. All I can say is that I’m thankful that my partner cares enough to be concerned and to share her concern with my doctors when she doesn’t think I’m speaking up enough because quite frankly in this case she was right. (And probably in others I’m not willing to admit that I’m wrong on quite yet).

A TV Show Should Not Define My Life

However sometimes it does make me question my own thinking. So I was watching “How I Met Your Mother” this evening, let me preface this by saying I’ve never seen it before but it comes highly recommended by my friend, D. So anyway D is always talking about Ted and how much she loves him etc. That’s not really the point. Anyway, as I’m watching this show about Ted who is pretty much just looking for love through this whole show and I wonder how long you can hold on to the hope of meeting someone perfect.

Perhaps it’s some combination of my cynicism coupled with my hopeless romantic side that keeps me in a constant state of being torn over this. I truly believe there is someone out there that is right and it just takes time to find that person. And no matter how many times you break up or how many things go wrong that if it is meant to be it will be. But how do you know which one is right? I’ve seen so many relationships that I would kill myself if I were in it. However, I’ve also had my own fair share of unhealthy. And I’d like to believe that I know better than that but sometimes I question myself. When do you know that someone is right or wrong? How long does it take? And is it ever too late? I get torn by all of these questions because I know couples that are perfect for each other that broke up for years and are either married now or are getting married. And then there are those couples that broke up and should’ve stayed broken up but didn’t or the ones that never should’ve gotten together. How do you know which side you fall on?

I guess the moral of this post is… ok maybe there is no moral and I’m up later than I normally am thinking about things I shouldn’t. That said, cynicism and all my inner hopeless romantic always wins. I do believe that when you know, you just know. And the right person is out there. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and make a lot of mistakes before you get there. At least my life is more interesting for all the chaos that persists in it because of my mistakes.

Reclaiming Cynical Island

So for the longest time I have been Dictator of Cynical Island. I gave up the title when I was happily (and even for quite a good bit of the time when I was unhappily) in love. However, if you know me well, you know that I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in love at my very core… probably more than I believe in anything else in this world.

Recently, I’ve become slightly obsessed with reading the Modern Love column in the New York Times. I think it’s some form of masochism because more than anything it makes me sad to read about so much of modern dating. I know I can’t possibly be the only person in her 20’s that is tired of the push and pull of modern dating and the various forms of commitment phobia that manifest themselves in our social interactions these days.

I have to say I’ve been lucky. I mean my ex and I are obviously not together. However, at least she had the decency to actually date me. In fact, all of my actual exes have been good like that. But I’ve found that it’s increasingly difficult to find anyone that actually wants to date anymore and I simply don’t understand this concept. Or even better ones who think that dating consists of “hanging out” but “not defining” the relationship. Personally I call that “fucking around”. But hey, what do I know? I mean I am “romantically challenged” after all. Perhaps I’m too demanding or it’s just intimidating to meet a girl who knows what she wants. But if I’m into you, don’t expect anything less than to be truly courted and I will not be ok with just “fucking around”. However, meeting someone that I’m actually into is excruciatingly difficult. So I’ll be honest, I don’t often meet anyone I’m interested in more than just sex with. And it’s not like I won’t tell you if I don’t want the same things as you do (as nicely as possible, I hate hurting people’s feelings but I hate leading them on more). And don’t try and convince me that it’s ok to just continually float from person to person “hooking up”. Been there, done that, have the postcard. It’s honestly, not that satisfying. Sure it does pass the time but if you’re looking for a real connection, hooking up is not the way to go. Perhaps taking a chance that love might exist and going on a real date is the way to go.

Maybe it’s just that the “hooking up” culture was in its nascent form when I hit high school and college so out of my friends group a significant number are either married or in a very stable couple or at the very least in some way want that someday. We believe in dating. We believe in love. And we believe in forever. Ok, maybe not *all* of my friends do but I’d say there’s a large majority of us that do.

Having said that, I’m still confused why so many young people are addicted to this culture of no-strings when that’s not what I think anyone is actually looking for. While I was reading Modern Love, I stumbled upon this series they did a while ago about how college students feel about love. There are two pieces that break my heart. One is written by a woman who is talking about how even though she tries to keep herself detached what she really wants is something more permanent. The other is written by a young man who talks about how insecurity keeps so many people from finding something more real but how in the back of your mind you still want that real connection.

So I think it’s about time I reclaim my dictatorship and as my friend B says, “all we need are a few good guinea pigs :)”

scratch any cynic and you’ll find a disappointed idealist

If you know me well, you know…

So my lovely friend D wrote this post the other day that I thought was really interesting. Apparently she found it here, and I also loved that post too. So here I am playing along… on my not-so-personal-but-getting-to-be-rather-personal blog.

If you know me well, you know that all my tattoos have significant meaning to me but my piercings were done on a whim, i love physics (and philosophy), am a super liberal feminist but I totally use the “I’m a girl” card to get someone to change a tire or the oil for me even though I’m perfectly capable of doing both myself.

If you know me well, you know I am a sucker for romantic comedies, I live for chocolate and I have the willpower of a gnat when it comes to things I want.

If you know me well, you know I *love* cooking (seriously, I have a slight obsession with food), decorating (and redecorating) and arranging flowers. Seriously every once in a while I contemplate putting myself up for sale: “Fantastic housewife available to a good home. Will cook, decorate and keep a lovely home. Contingent on a large budget. (Let’s not lie, I’ve got expensive taste).” or you know changing careers to be an event planner… or wedding planner.

If you know me well, you know I’m so obsessive about my hair that I cut it myself because I don’t think anyone else can do as good a job, I love chai (the fake Starbuck’s kind even though it’s totally not right) and I hate running but love soccer.

If you know me well you know that despite being a jeans and t-shirt girl, I love love love dresses and skirts and makeup, and if you make it past the tattoos, piercings, sarcasm and cynicism, I am a hopeless romantic and I view the world in hearts, stars, rainbows and puppies.

If you know me well, you know that despite my self-professed geekdom I am really not that geeky. I mean I work in IT but I have never owned a gaming system, nor do I play computer games and for an extended period of time I thought WoW was just people spelling wow rather enthusiastically. Apparently one shelf of fantasy novels does not equate to actual geekdom.

If you know me well, you know I love playing sports but can’t watch them to save my life, I am in a serious long-term relationship with Grey’s Anatomy, I move cities like it’s my job (though Chicago does seem to be sticking pretty well so far) and I desperately miss Texas.

These Boots Were Made For Walkin’

So I was just asked the question: “What do you think about dating a married man?” I know that the normal gut reaction answer is NEVER, it only ends in heartbreak!. But humor me because I’m going to actually look at it from a less traditional perspective. Then again, I’m not exactly a traditional girl so what else would you expect.

So firstly, I’d like to mention that my perspective on marriage is a little skewed being part of the queer community because I know more than a few people who are in “Marriages of Convenience”. And quite frankly if I don’t have the right to get married regardless of how valid my relationship with my partner is I simply don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in something that isn’t a reality for me or for a good number of people that I love.

That being said, I don’t think dating a married man (or woman for that matter) is necessarily the greatest idea. I’m not one to judge, I clearly lead a life of chaos and mayhem, I just think there’s enough heartbreak in this world that getting involved with someone who is already attached (especially in a legal way) is just asking for trouble, especially in the straight world. Yes, love makes us do crazy things and no I don’t believe that one can have absolute control over your emotions. You fall for who you fall for and it sucks/is awesome all the same, but you do have control over getting into something that could be complicated and messy. What it really comes down to is whether you think it’s a good idea for you. I generally believe all is fair in love and war and have acted as such most of my life. I mean I really can’t judge since I met one of my exes while she was on a date with a boy. That being said thus far I haven’t dated anyone that I knew was actually attached (legally or otherwise) at the time. Part of it for me (especially in a heterosexual context) is that if the person I want to date made a commitment to someone else and is stepping out on them, then what makes it so different that I think they won’t step out on me? I mean I’d like to think that I’m fabulous and unforgettable and no one could ever bear to step out on me but at the same time, isn’t that what the other woman (or man) thought?

Certainly I’ll give pause for the situation that I was recently introduced to where a friend of mine was dating this man who was married to a woman because of his family but he was in reality quite gay. This complicates matters because the way he lived with his “wife” was essentially as roommates. So my friend ended up dating him. In essence, I guess what I’m getting at is that it isn’t a black and white issue. None of these things are. Whenever emotions are involved things get messy and weird. And when social norms get mixed up with civil rights and morals and whatnot it gets even more confusing. I’ve even encountered the well what if they’re only married for the visa question before. And you know what, it really comes down to what you are ok with. You have to consider what it will do to you and if you’re ok with the consequences. I think most of it comes from being really honest with yourself and knowing what you want and what you can or can’t live with.

Thing is I’m a little out of my element talking about any of this because I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve had a lover outside of my relationship or to my knowledge where one of my partners has done so to me. So I don’t really know what it entails. Nor have I been in a situation where I am with someone out of convenience or necessity. I’ve always been very much infatuated if not actually in love with my partner at the time so that’s the standpoint where I’m coming from. And when I’m in love with someone, I don’t step out on them. No matter how angry I am or how much I would like to prove a point and be a bitch because I’m mad. (Yes, I’ve thought about it and had opportunity to act. But No, I’ve never been able to or even wanted to follow through.)

So the short answer is I think there’s also a lot of grey areas when your emotions are involved. I don’t think it’s an ideal situation and I would be fairly hesitant and quite cautious. However, I think what is right is on an individual basis and you have to figure that out for yourself.

What Happened To Being Courted?

You know, I’ve always wanted to be courted. Truly courted. The way that I’ve courted my girlfriends. It’s not just silly little things, it’s big things too. I mean how many girls don’t dream of someone just showing up at the airport to pick them up with flowers in hand. Especially when you weren’t expecting it. How many girls would just die if you showed up and managed to find out when they were coming home and you were a long lost lover that they were just dying to see? Yes, it’s scary. It’s putting yourself out there in a way that may just be rejected. Or flying across the country because you let them leave and you realize that this is the person you want to be with. So you show up anyway not knowing what would happen. Ok, it’s a little storybook like, but who wouldn’t want that? Sure, it’s terrifying to do. But let me tell you, that’s the kind of courtship I would kill for.

And ok, I can be an intimidating girl to date. I’m finally starting to get that memo. 10 years later, I get it (sortof). I’m not easy to date. I’ve been told this since I was 16 by quite a few of the boys who tried to ask me out (generally a couple years after my interest had faded and I categorized them as “friends”). Yes, I know boys love it when that happens. You finally have the nerve to ask a girl out and she’s like, “um yeah I really only think of you as a friend.” Trust me, it happens to lesbians too, it’s not fun for us either. But that’s why I believe you should really court a girl you like. I mean ok, don’t stalk the girl that’s not what I’m saying. But romance, I swear, is a dying art form.

I have always courted my lovers. It’s little things. Like one of my exes was having a bad day and I knew it but it was finals and I knew she had to study. So being the IT geek I am I noticed she was online in her dorm room so I stopped by with a latte and cigarettes. I didn’t know what kind of coffee she drank but I knew the cigarettes she liked and I just took a chance. And the look I got and the following date we had were so worth the effort of just a little bit of thoughtfulness and courtship. Or you know, there was one time, I brought flowers to a club because all of the dates my flame at the time and I had just weren’t working out. She was so stunned by the arrangement and the gesture that she pinned me up against my car to kiss me passionately. Turns out later that she was a little crazy but it was worth it at the time. Real romance is something everyone craves. And it is so very hard to come by.

So girls (and perhaps boys, too) if you want to date me, this is what I’m asking for. To be courted. Truly courted. Not just taken to dinner. Not something boring. I want someone who will stand outside my doorstep with a rose just waiting for me to come down so it’ll be a surprise. I want someone who will write me notes about the week they spent and all the things that made them think of me and put it in a jar. Just to share it with me the next time they see me. I want someone to write me a card for every day we have to be apart when they know it’s something neither of us want to do but is being forced upon us. I want someone to make me a mix cd just because they thought of me and they want me to know the music that makes them think of me. I want someone to write me love letters. Just because. I want someone well versed in the art of romance. Actually scratch all those suggestions, those are mostly things I’ve done before. What I’d really like is something that is uniquely you but equally thoughtful (or I mean if those things ring true for you then by all means do those too but do something that’s really you). For example, to this day my absolute favourite birthday gift is the t-shirt my ex made me that was of string theory but the picture she drew starts with a Texas instead of an apple. And the back said “did you know 2005 is the world year for physics?” I remember she and her friends were doing this big secret project behind my back and I had no idea it was for my birthday. It is still one of my happiest memories. The back has all but fallen apart. But the front is still just as awesome as the day I got it. And I still love it. Because it was truly thoughtful, it was all of my favourite things on a t-shirt. For my birthday.

(Oh and the courtship, while I am serious that that is what I want but not really right now. Let’s be honest, I’m not really over my most recent ex. I hate admitting that but it doesn’t make it any less true. I’m just finally ready to think about romance again, which is where all this came from.)

I wish the world had a little more space for romance. I feel like in this modern age people have all but forgotten what real romance looks like. Sometimes it is big dramatic gestures but other times it’s just showing up in a goofy outfit just to make your loved one laugh when you know they’re having a bad day.

Do You Believe…

… in love at first sight? I do. I believe that one person can make your heart stand still when they walk into a room full of people. I believe that every once in a while you can meet someone special and you just know it in your bones. I’m lucky. I’ve had this happen to me twice. Neither one of them have necessarily worked out as I would’ve liked but I still believe that it exists.

I also believe in things that are just simply meant to be. I think that there are things outside of our control and love that doesn’t fit into the boundaries of what we are used to. Sometimes I think there are connections so strong that you just can’t shake them.

Typically I’m a ridiculous optimist and I never question any of these beliefs but recently I’ve had to. And it makes me wonder if sometimes even though the connection is there if it is actually meant to be. With time, I’ve learned that life can surprise you with the way it works out. Even though you thought something should have worked out perhaps there’s something else out there that is a better fit. And so I do still believe that life works out the way it’s supposed to. I guess I just wonder how much of it is a fairytale and how much real life hardship we all have to go through. When do you decide whether it’s worth it or not? How do you know? Is love really enough?