There is this absolutely fabulous article in the New York Times about what happens when your marriage (or relationship) is falling apart after years of things being just fine. The title of the article is Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear and she goes on to speak about how to relate your loved one saying that they want to end things or that they don’t love you and choosing not to believe them. I may be a novice at relationships but I truly think that the advice she gives is pretty darn amazing because no matter if you have been together for 6 months or 60 years there are times when things will be difficult not because of you but for reasons outside of you. My best friend was talking to me the other day and her philosophy of life is that if you make yourself happy then everything will fall into place. And it’s taken me a while but I do actually believe that. Controlling everything around you is certainly not possible and sometimes you need to let the person you love rail and rage and storm all around you and just try to weather the storm. I don’t think it’s easy and it’s actually quite difficult to do in practice but I think once you realize this it’s possible to make it out the other side a much stronger couple. And I’m aware that this is not a “fun” prospect and it can be quite wearying and the natural reaction may be the exact opposite but I think if you can hold yourself up and remember what makes you a healthy, whole, happy person independent of the “us” then you can make the “us” stronger, much stronger in fact. Sometimes through the obstacles and through all the challenges we find what we are actually meant for. Being able to deal with a major crisis and still love each other through it and after it are what is most important. It is so easy to lose sight of and to get caught up in everything else that is going on around you. But if you are able to hold on to those key reasons that make you love that person. Then you have found something worth saving, you have found something worth “fighting” for.
I remember the first time I heard Catie Curtis sing Honest World, I thought it was a great song but it didn’t really hit home for me. I mean it was great for my older wiser gay friends who had partners and were serious about life but I was 19 and not quite there yet (to put it mildly). As I’ve grown up (and I’ll put a disclaimer here: I’m not that grown up – I’m barely 26 and certainly not ready to discuss marriage) I’ve found that the song rings more and more truly with me. Perhaps it’s just because I live in the real world now and not the cocoon of a wonderful liberal arts women’s college set in the valley of progressive Western Massachusetts.
I have been meaning to write something like this since I heard about Iowa’s Supreme Court decision to allow same sex marriages. I think it is truly significant because it finally means that accepting gay marriage is not just something that those trendy liberal east/west coast progressives do. Surely Iowa is different and has been for quite some time. In fact I was reading this fab editorial in the Times about how they had some landmark cases about slavery and segregation as well. But it really makes me proud that somewhere in the mid-west where it’s not “cool” to be progressive, it’s not “cool” to have gay friends, it’s not “cool” to be a hippie but apparently it is “cool” to believe in equality. So thank you Iowa for that.
Also I couldn’t be more pleased about Vermont actually voting in legislation to allow gay marriages. Sometimes, I do miss the progressiveness of the New England countryside, even if it does mean that I’d have to give up living in a real city. Alas, I can only hope that Illinois and Chicago won’t be too far behind all these people.
Also I’d like to know what’s up with California and New York? I mean really aren’t they supposed to be our beacons of liberalism? Why are they so behind the 8 ball, I mean MA, CT, IA and VT are already light years ahead of them. Shame on you California, you call yourself the bastion of liberals and yet you actually managed to pass Prop 8. And New York hasn’t even tried, that’s almost equally if not more upsetting. Ok I’ll stop giving those two a hard time now. It’s a tough battle anywhere, I do realize that. But it would be nice if two of the largest democratic states could jump on the bandwagon. It’s a good one to be on in my opinion.
Now, I’d be even happier if one of the southern states *cough*Texas*cough* would jump on the bandwagon because I think that would really be putting equality for all to the test. (Yes, I am still holding out for Texas to surprise us all and support gay marriage or at least do something similar to what Iowa has, I still have faith that my home state can be and is progressive). I have hope and faith that it will happen eventually all over the US. But I believe that will take some more time. And one of my friends actually found this cool little blog that maps out the time-line for knocking down bans on same sex marriages. Welcome to progress my friends.
In the immortal words of Catie Curtis:
Some day, I trust
Love will make an honest world for us
A Memo To Men
I’m going to take a page out of Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo’s “He’s Just Not That Into You” because after a recent night out it made me think that women are not the only ones that need to get the memo. In fact, I’d rather take the female approach and have someone stress out and wait for a phone call from me than to persistently pursue me when I’m not interested. Not all of these scenarios listed are ones that are applicable to my present life, but a few did just come up in the last week. And all of them are things that I have not only personally experienced but also have discussed with several of my friends and we all agree are incredibly annoying to deal with.
She’s just not that into you if…
- she hasn’t called you back and you’ve called more than once.
- you texted her more than once and have gotten no response.
- you met her when she was out with someone else and she’s not calling you back.
- she told you she is seeing someone.
- she’s busy every time you want to go out.
- she calls/chats online all the time but can’t make time to see you in person.
- she goes home with you but doesn’t give you her phone number in the morning. (Yes, girls do this, too).
- she won’t say yes when you ask her to marry you and you’ve asked multiple times.
- she doesn’t want you to meet her friends.
I know girls can play hard to get. It’s true, we all do it at some point but seriously, stop calling. If we like you, I promise we’ll call you back. Yes, persistence can be a good thing. But calling every day when we aren’t responding back is just annoying.
Also as a good feminist, if I like someone, I don’t need you to ask me out. Yes it is always nice to have someone else ask you out because that whole pressure of rejection is taken away from you but honestly, not necessary. If I’m really interested, I’ll ask you out (which I realize may not be true for all women but I promise they will drop enough leading hints for you to get it). I have more faith in both men and women than both Greg and Liz, if you really like the person it doesn’t matter who asks whom out, you’ll be fine in the long run.
And let’s face it, we don’t need some arcane rules to tell us how we should be dating. In fact, we don’t need people to tell us how to “snag that girl/guy of your dreams”. Use some common sense. Treat the person you want to date the way you’d like to be treated, I think that’s a good cardinal rule. For example:
- Would you want someone to call you every day for a week if you weren’t interested?
No. Then don’t do it to someone else!
- Would you want someone to ignore you and talk to their friends that happened to pass by when you’re on a date with them?
No. Then don’t do it to someone else!
It’s amazing what a little common sense can do in the dating arena. Now if all you’re looking to do is hook up then obviously none of these things matter. But I promise calling every day will just make you look pathetic. Don’t do it. No one wants to sleep with someone whose desperate.
A Review of “He’s Just Not That Into You”
Ok, so I haven’t read the book. I’m only judging the movie… currently. I may read the book because while I liked the movie as being your typical “chick-flick-feel-good-everything-turns-out-great-in-the-end” kind of movie, I take issue with the entire concept of a book and/or movie that feels the need to tell women “he’s just not that into you”. That being said I do love your typical chick flick so needless to say I did enjoy the film even though I do have some critiques of the premise. Warning: there are spoilers ahead – not big ones but if you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want to know anything about it, don’t read this post.
For one, I’d like to believe that we are not that stupid. It’s not like women truly don’t know when a man “is just not into” them. Sometimes people choose to believe things that are irrational. And let’s face it women aren’t the only ones. Walking out of that film my friend and I were thinking the exact same thing: why isn’t there a book/movie called “she’s just not that into you”? Honestly to be so presumptuous as to think that the female population actually needs a book called “he’s just not that into you” really bothers me. Personally, I’d like to give us a bit more credit because the female population of the world is honestly not that stupid. In fact, I’d say we are better at reading cues than our male counterparts.
Now one of the issues I had with the movie was that what it seems the premise would be is that we are not the exception but rather the rule. So if a man isn’t calling you back or whatever that he’s just not that into you. Granted I think that’s just common sense but that’s neither here nor there. But what I found to baffling is that everyone found some sort of happy ending. And really, most of the women ended up being the exception and not the rule, which I thought was rather sad if this movie was supposed to be “different”. Or perhaps, I just need to lower my expectations.
I have to say one of my favourite parts of the movie was when Drew Barrymore goes off on a rant about how dating these days is just so confusing because there’s myspace, email, twitter, texting, your work phone, your cell phone and your home phone, if you still have one of those. Technology really has made dating a completely different game and she did leave off my most favourite form of confusion which would be facebook. I find that technology can just make dating far more difficult than it really needs to be. I also find that being able to “stalk” your crush online to be a bit tricky to handle because I mean what is the dating etiquette of when to contact the person you’re interested and how or why.
On a completely unrelated sidenote, I just realized that Holi (the Hindu festival of colors) was on my birthday this year and I totally missed it. What a bummer. That would’ve been the best way to celebrate my birthday ever. (Not that my birthday wasn’t great, it was the best one in my recollection so far).
Exclusivity In Relationships?
I’m starting to wonder if perhaps my view of relationships might be a bit skewed. I’ve gotten a few different opinions from several friends and I thought I saw a trend for a while about how they view exclusivity but I am now at a complete loss because it seems to be completely random. Personally, I find dating to be stressful enough as it is without trying to decipher how to approach exclusivity much less assumptions made about exclusivity.
One thing I find particularly interesting is that there are quite a few people that I’ve spoken to who believe that if you have been seeing someone for a period of time and have been “staying over” at each other’s places then the assumption would be that you are exclusive. Now, I don’t think that it would be out of the question that most likely, you are being exclusive, but at the same time to assume that the person you are seeing is on the same page as yourself is fairly severe assumption. At least in my opinion it is. I suppose this is partially due to the fact that (hypothetically) if my significant other hadn’t asked to be exclusive or if I hadn’t asked then I would assume that should I meet someone that would like to go on a date, I would have no problem accepting. Granted for the most part when I am at that stage, I don’t tend to be looking out for anyone else and I doubt I would accept an offer from someone else but I also don’t think it is something that can be assumed. Perhaps it is just that I like to be deliberate about knowing where things stand.
And It Breaks My Heart
I was just reading one of my friend’s blogs when I ran across this video. And I couldn’t say it better than she did:
I struggled to find the words to express the helplessness, the disappointment, and most of all the hope that I feel in California’s struggle to protect the rights of its people and to set a standard for the rest of the country.
Seriously, A Love Potion?
Now I don’t know about you, but I can say that I have certainly had times when I wished there existed some sort of love potion or even anti-love potion. But who would ever think that such a pipe dream could ever make it into reality? Certainly not I.
At least not until I stumbled across this. Now just imagine if we could turn on/off that “love” switch all by ourselves… wouldn’t that be amazing? Ok, well in theory I think it could be but in all honesty, I think I would miss some of that confusion and unknown. I mean would you really want your partner to be able to give you some drug to make you be “more in love” with them? It’s an interesting dilemma and possibly a great ethical question considering you are playing with someone’s emotions.
Regardless of the ethical dilemma and all those higher level questions on a purely scientific basis, this is possibly one of the coolest discoveries I think has been found to date. Although I do wonder if anyone could truly bottle love, I do like to think it is one of life’s biggest mysteries.