Seriously, 2011?!

For the first time in my life I can truly say that I am a little bit terrified. And I’m not really sure if there’s anything that’s going to make me feel better. Normally I’m not scared of anything. Pretty much at all. But I am a little scared of having to have surgery and 6 months of rehab. In fact, I’m not really afraid of surgery at all. That part I’m ok with, what I’m scared of is that I won’t be responsible enough to do the rehab part correctly. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of trying to push myself too hard too fast because I do that a lot. I’m scared that somehow I will make this worse before I can make it better.

Thankfully as afraid as I am of being alone, I have a posse of truly amazing friends that I know are here for me. I always feel silly whenever I talk to one of them because they remind me that I’m not as alone as I feel. It’s just that I don’t need them right this minute so they’re not right here. But they will be when I do actually need them to help out. It is comforting to know that someone will be there to catch me when I fall.

2011, I have now started a list. I’m pretty sure I hate you. And it’s only the first week of March, which by the way is a few days shy of my birthday. Possibly worst year of all time: 1. MIA laptop. 2. stolen bike. 3. dead car. 4. torn ACL that requires surgery. (I’m not counting the crazy month of work crap because it’s too vague and hard to define). And let’s be honest we haven’t even made it a quarter of the way through the year. Clearly this is awesome. You know, generally I believe that life works out the way it’s supposed to. And sometimes bad things happen to good people so better things can come along. Right now, I’m *really* starting to question that.

I keep flipping from feeling really alone and really scared about having to even have surgery to being really angry at the world for all of this happening at once. Every time I keep thinking that this year is going to get better something happens that just makes it worse. I want to believe that that’s not true and that it will get better but for the first time in a very long time I’m having trouble hanging on to hope. I like to view the world through rose colored glasses. It is so much harsher through the cold clear view of reality.

Six Confessions

Ok so not gonna lie, I have a thing for memes. And I was over at D’s blog when I saw that she had joined the bandwagon. So then I figured, what the hell? I’ll just jump on too.

In fact, in an unusually awesome transition.
1. I secretly *love* memes and quizzes. Honestly, and this is really embarrassing to admit, I joined a free dating website strictly because of all the quizzes and crap they have posted on there.
2. I have recently discovered this buffalo chicken sandwich thing at the local convenient store next to my house that I am slightly addicted to. It’s a little unhealthy how much I love these things. Also slightly concerning since I’m pretty sure nothing about them is even remotely natural. But seriously, so good. Total guilty pleasure.
3. When I was younger I kindof always dreamed that my grown up life would be really gay and really fun but I never actually expected it to happen. Like the fact that I’ve been *in* the pride parade for multiple years still amazes me. I’m pretty sure when I was little I was convinced that I would be married with 2.5 kids and being boring right now. Apparently some things do change.
4. Secretly I think I’m a giant. In real life I’m 5′, in my head I don’t even know what dimensions are but let’s just say most of my friends are male and over 6′ and somehow I believe I fit right in.
5. I have a problem with unread messages in my inbox. Seriously they freak me out, yo. And it scares me to look at inboxes that are “messy”. Also if I don’t respond to an email immediately after getting it, chances are it ain’t gonna happen unless it was really really important. Weird but true.
6. I have a chocolate problem. I’m not sure I really needed to confess this because anyone who knows me probably already knows this but… yeah, I have a chocolate problem.

New Year’s Meme 2010

1) Was 2010 a good year for you? Overall yes, there have been a lot of low points but I think good overall.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? karaoke, I don’t know which time, but definitely karaoke

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? Crying for reasons I am choosing not to mention right now (because it still pisses me off that it was that upsetting).

4) Where were you when 2010 began? Keg stand.

5) Who were you with? I’ve made countless new friends all of whom have filled up my hours dearly!

6 ) Where will you be when 2010 ends? At Sidetrack in Chicago

7) Who will you be with when 2010 ends? Alisha, Brian and the awesome crew at Sidetrack.

8.) Did you keep your New Year’s resolution of 2009? I don’t know if I made a resolution in 2009 so I’m gonna go with no.

9) Did you break up with anyone in 2010? Thankfully that was not possible.

10) Did you make any new friends in 2010? Lots and lots!

11) Who are your favorite new friends? I’m going to say Brian because I live with him, but really I can’t choose out of all the really incredible people I met in 2010.

12) What was your favorite month of 2010? June – summer in Chicago is irreplacable, as is pride.

13) Did you go abroad in 2010? Totally, I love Europe!

14) How many different states did you travel to in 2010? Just Tejas and Massachusetts

15) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2010? Not that I recall.

16) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Of course, but I’d like to know who doesn’t miss anyone in an entire year.

17) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2010? Beats the hell outta me, so I’ll just go with the last movie I saw. How Do You Know – it’s pretty entertaining and I like chick flicks.

18) What was your favorite album from 2010? No idea, I liked a lot of stuff.

19) How many concerts did you see in 2010? Not a lot but I never go to big shows. The last I remember is Shannon Curtis

20) Did you have a favorite concert in 2010? See above.

21) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2010? Ha, that would be an understatement. I’m not sure I remember half of Jan/Feb (though I claim for good reason).

22) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2010? No drugs for me.

23) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Not that I recall, so I guess that’s a no.

24) What was the biggest lie you told in 2010? None that I remember.

25) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2010? Don’t know.

26) Did you treat somebody badly in 2010? Nope, I was even pretty nice to myself

27) Ddi somebody treat you badly in 2010? That’s questionable, I think

28) How much money did you spend in 2010? Within my budget… except for Europe, totally blew my budget there.

29) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2010? Oh good lord who knows with all the crazy nights out.

30.) What is one thing you did in 2010 that you’d never done before? Tried to run a marathon. Actually ran a half marathon and several races. (I’ve never run more than a mile and a half before).

31.) Did someone close to you give birth? Yep, a few. We’re at that age.

32.) What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A relationship.

33.) What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? None.

34.) What was your biggest achievement of the year? I graduated from grad school

35.) What was your biggest failure? Didn’t finish the marathon, even though it was better for my health, I was still severely disappointed.

36.) Did you suffer illness or injury? Some injuries while training for the marathon.

37.) What was the best thing you bought? My ticket to Europe.

38.) Whose behavior merited celebration? My roomies have been amazing and my friends are great.

39.) Whose behavior made you appalled? I don’t want to think about it.

40.) Where did most of your money go? Europe

41.) What did you get really, really, really excited about? New apartment.

42.) Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or hardened? happier, infinitely
b)thinner or fatter? fatter and while I’m not happy about it’s probably a good thing
c) richer or poorer? poorer. lots of expenses.

43.) What do you wish you’d done more of? Having fun.

44.) What do you wish you’d done less of? Being sad about being single.

45.) How did you spend Christmas? With my mom and cousins in Round Top, Texas

46.) Did you fall in love in 2010? No, but I spent a considerable amount of time falling out of love.

47.) Any one-night stands? Yes.

48.) What was your favorite TV program? Grey’s Anatomy. (always)

49.) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.

50.) What was the best book you read? The elegance of the hedgehog

51.) What was your greatest musical discovery? Oh jesus, I don’t know, I spent most of 2010 listening to really awful pop music that I can dance to.

52.) What did you want and get? Fitter. I was in fantastic shape for the majority of 2010.

53.) What did you want and not get? A girlfriend

54.) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to dinner by myself, which is exactly what I wanted to do on my birthday. Sometimes you need a day to be alone.

55.) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Less heartache and being less of a workaholic.

56.) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? All over the place

57.) What kept you sane? My simply amazing friends. And a lot of hope.

58.) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Uh no one.

59.) What song will always remind you of 2010? Bruno Mars – Marry you

60.) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010? I learned that human compassion and friendships are invaluable. That heartbreak never gets easier. And that you can never run out of hope because no matter how much it hurts today, it will get better if you let it.

61.) Quote a song lyric that sums up the year. “You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait. It don’t come easy, it’s a game of give and take.”

Net Neutrality Or Die

Ok maybe that’s a little extreme… However, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this passionately about something that is going on in the world. I truly believe Net Neutrality is a right that the public should have. So what is Net Neutrality? It is the belief that all content on the internet should be given the same credence (aka bandwidth) and people should be able to choose what content they want to see without any impediments (like limiting bandwidth for less popular sites).

There’s actually a really great video from Endgaget where they interview Tim Wu, who explains why Net Neutrality is so important and what has gone on recently. I recommend everyone watch it. So much so that I’m going to make it easy for you and embed it here.

As an American I take pride in the freedoms that we have but it worries me that these freedoms are being lost as corporations control more and more of our political process. Part of what makes the internet so great is that you can get anywhere and find even the smallest of blogs if you just search hard enough. Though the video above really describes this is in the mobile broadband space, what happens when we take one step in that direction. Why wouldn’t the telecom companies that provide business and home internet service not want to follow in mobile carriers footsteps and start limiting access from computers as well? I think this is the next big thing in technology that we really do need to fight for our rights. It may not seem like much now but it could change the whole internet tomorrow.

Thankfully That’s Over

So my little experiment, I decided to call it quits when I started crying because I couldn’t turn the fan off. That was totally the last straw for me. Sometimes things just aren’t right. And I guess sometimes you have to learn the hard way to figure that out.

Oh wow and I totally started this post a month ago when I first got off the pill, which may have been the best decision I have ever made in my life. It’s as if the sun came up, the world is a magic place and everything is wonderful. Ok, that could be an exaggeration but just feeling normal instead of permanently sad is almost like it is just amazing to not be depressed every day.

At any rate life is great. I should work out more. I kinda lost a lot of motivation to do anything. And yeah, that’s about it.

Kids, Don’t Try This At Home

So I’ve decided experiments on your own body are a horrible idea. So if you recall I started the pill about 3 months ago and I thought I was getting better somewhere around the beginning of month 2. I take that all back. I have been horribly depressed and crying pretty much all the time. For no reason whatsoever. Clearly I should be better at observing this but I’m pretty convinced that this is just not working out for me. I’ve given it 4 months and if going through a little stress called moving is enough to have me have an all out nervous breakdown it’s not ok. And I just started crying because I can’t turn off the fan. No, I’m not joking. I really did start crying because I couldn’t turn off the fan and I’m cold. Not that you know, I couldn’t just get a blanket or put on a sweater. But no, crying because I couldn’t turn off the fan. Clearly the world is ending. I really understand what D was talking about now because I feel miserable. And I have felt like this for way too long in a really unhealthy way. There has to be a better solution. I just wish that not every solution takes 3 months to figure out. I mean seriously?

More Than Just Running

I know I sound like a deranged lunatic with all my running updates and sometimes am less than coherent about it. But it’s because for me it’s more than just running. I’m not doing this just because I want to run a marathon. In fact, I totally made fun of both of my group-mates in my econ class just a year ago because they were training for the marathon and were clearly on their way to injury but still running anyway. I just didn’t get it at the time, I do not have that desire to run. And while I like running. It keeps me in great physical shape and I’m happier and healthier having it in my life, it is not my passion. By a long shot.

Let’s be honest, I’m happiest curled up in bed with a good book doing absolutely nothing. I love sports, I enjoy running and I enjoy being physical but they are certainly not the first things that I think of when I think of things that make me happy. I am one of those people where it requires some amount of effort to do those things. So this whole fitness regimen has been a challenge for me. Mentally and physically. Actually I think more mentally than anything else.

So the real reason I’m running… because cancer has touched my life by affecting several people that I love dearly. And when I say family it’s not just about being related by blood there are so many people that have touched my life that aren’t related by blood. It’s my friends, exes, people I’ve known forever and those I haven’t known for very long. It’s the people who touch your life regardless of whether they stay for a long time or are a brief glimmer of light; it’s those people who change you, who will forever be a part of you, that I consider to be part of my “family” too. So I run for Team in Training as a part of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society because in some small way I feel like I’m doing my part to help. And at the end of the day there is so little I can actually do that this is my way to try and advocate for a cause I believe in desperately. So I babble about my shoes and my injuries and how much all of it irritates me. And how I got a tattoo in the middle of my training because that was a brilliantly well thought out plan. (I know, sometimes I’m an idiot). Because I have to keep running. I simply do.

Why Am I Doing This Again?

So my roommate and I are moving, which I am actually pretty excited about. We’ve found a gorgeous new apartment and I’m looking forward to decorating and getting all our stuff into it. What I’m not so into, is the actual move itself. We started moving this past weekend and the only thing running through my head is “Why am I doing this to myself again?”. I mean I have been at my current apartment for a long time (for me). And this new place is really just awesome. And I have been really ready for some sort of change to take place. I know not everyone is like this but I’m not much of a person to set down roots and since I like Chicago enough to not want to run away from the city and look for another job on another continent or at least another state, moving apartments seems to suffice. Also, I find moving to be a cleansing process. Out with the old, in with the new and a time to make changes in your life. Some will stick, some will not but it’s a good time to just reset everything. While I do think there are a lot of positives to this move, I really just wish it were overwith and that lifting heavy things were not so painful. Or that there were some magic fairies that would do it for me. Sadly, this is not a fairytale and I’m pretty sure we just have to suck it up and deal.

Running Travails

So I keep semi-hurting myself. I don’t want to say injuring because technically I am not injured, which is really the only thing I am clinging on to right now. But I’m hurting. Pretty badly. And I’ve at least narrowed it down some. I seem to hurt only after extremely long runs. Or after I’ve done sprints (or soccer, which is essentially the same thing). Now I actually managed to figure this out after I did a 5k this weekend where I had been mentoring these kids to teach them how to run. So my running buddy for the race is this absolutely adorable 5yr old with crazy amounts of energy. But my little buddy is not so good at listening to advice about pacing so he took off at breakneck speed as soon as the race started. And continued to do pretty freakin’ fast sprints for the first mile, even a bit of the next half mile. We finally slowed down to a more normal run/walk for the last half of the race. But let me tell you by the end of that set of sprints my knee was *killing* me. On the bright side at least I know the causes and how to avoid it or at least try to avoid it.

Anyway so I’ve been in physical therapy for a few weeks and I have this giant bruise on my leg. My PTs have been doing “deep tissue massage” on my IT band because apparently that’s what’s been causing all my knee problems. You’d think this is great… not so much it’s more like Chinese water torture. And now it just hurts to touch or lie on my thigh, which is *awesome*. (not).

Though on the not so sucky side my PTs also have me doing some pretty awesome yet somewhat difficult exercises and routines. The best part is they totally make comments while I’m trying to go through the exercises/stretches they give me. Today one of the guys was like, you know I think y’all gave her every single thing that everyone hates to do. And I’m thinking to myself, “Gee thanks guys, I appreciate being the guinea pig of torture treatment”. On the bright side I’m getting some really awesome core workouts that I don’t think I would ever inflict on myself. And I’ve learned some pretty good stretches. And I actually feel like I’m getting stronger and I feel like I can actually see the effects of all of it on my body, which is great. Like my upper abs look amazing, now if my lower abs didn’t look like jello we’d be all set. So all of these things are definitely good, it just comes with a lot of pain and hard work. I can’t decide if it’s great or if I hate it. Either way I’ve got another 2 weeks left and I am going to try to make the best of it. (I’m almost tempted to ask for more. Yes, I am a bit of a masochist, always have been a lil’ bit).

Mystery Tooth

So about 4 years ago in a moment of brilliance I decided to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out at once. It was painful and I couldn’t eat and it basically sucked a lot. But I was like ok well at least it was all at once and now it’s all over. Wrong again.

Just yesterday I noticed that my mouth was a little sore and my gum was super tender and OH MY GOD! DO I FEEL BONE?! Why yes, in fact I do. I feel another tooth coming in. Right where I had another one removed 4 years ago! SERIOUSLY!? How is that even possible?! Suffice to say I am not thrilled. In fact, I’m so far away from thrilled I can’t even describe because last time all of my teeth were impacted and required oral surgery. I am *not* looking forward to going through *that* again.